Not too long ago I was doom scrolling through social media and encountered a chat thread that, to say the least, was interesting and shocking to me. In fact, I was completely unprepared for what I found that night. I thought I had seen everything and been everywhere on the internet, but I was wrong. Dead wrong.
Let me back up and explain. It was late at night, and I probably should have just gone to bed, but I felt restless and my mind was alert. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep, and I didn’t want to read or get into a video game because I knew that would keep me up even later. I had to work the next day but decided to burn a little time by checking my phone to see if anything interesting was going on.
Time got away from me and before I knew it, I had wasted several hours, but I kept going. It was getting late, but I kept at it because I felt bored and my mind was spinning. I scrolled on. My thumb was spinning at such a high rate of speed the phone was hot in my hands and a pool of sweat formed beneath it. The videos merged into a mixed-up carnival of color and noise.
And yet I scrolled on.
Before I realized it, I had scrolled past social media, past the dark web, past all known internet locations to a distant place I didn’t even know existed. I later discovered I had stumbled into the Delta Quadrant and somehow found a portal for those inhabiting that region of the solar system. I can’t say how I got there, because I don’t know and I’m fairly certain it could never be duplicated again even if I tried, so don’t even ask.
It was here, late at night in this distant place, I stumbled upon a chat thread for moms. I know, not much to really say about a place where moms go to talk about motherhood. Pretty boring stuff. But this was unlike any chat room I’ve ever encountered.
This was a Borg mom chat room.
I was shocked and didn’t quite know what to do. And beyond that, it turns out the Borg Queen was online and active in the chat thread. I was stunned! The Queen herself was chronicling her thoughts on raising a teenage Borg son.
She openly shared the struggles and challenges of being a professional and a mom at the same time. And not just any professional, her Majesty the Queen, Head of the Hive. I was viewing the secret thoughts of the Borg Queen herself, right there on my phone.
I thought about logging out, but my curiosity was just too strong. I was mesmerized by the words I saw on my screen that fateful night. I couldn’t turn away. It seemed wrong, but I felt drawn to the conversation, so I silently stayed in the chat. I became a fly on the chat room wall.
Rather than getting the information wrong, I’m going to share the chat thread with you directly as it appeared on my screen. Judge for yourself what it all means.
Here you go:
Borg Queen (BQ)- “I asked him to pick up his alcove the other day and you would have thought I was asking him to rewire a transwarp drive by himself. I couldn’t believe it. I’ve never met such resistance to a simple chore before.”
Borg Mom #1 (BM1)- “I know. I asked my son to maintain his cybernetic implants and he gave me a look that said he would rather assimilate a meteor shower.”
Borg Mom #2 (BM2)- “Well at least your sons talk to you. I can’t get mine to say much at all. He just won’t communicate. I get a start up beep each morning and that’s it. He won’t interact with any of the collective. Startup noises. That’s all. It makes me want to chime at a high pitch.”
BQ– “Why is this so hard? There has to be a better way. Are we doing something wrong?”
BM1-“I don’t know. I wish I knew it would be this way before we put him in that stupid maturation chamber. I’m still not sure it worked right.”
BM2- “I found a Dr. Spock book in one of the assimilated libraries and I’m scanning it now. I feel desperate for help. I’m wondering if there’s an issue with his audio files. Teenagers!”
BQ- “Listen to this one. I was assimilating a large species the other day in the Beta Quadrant and QL500 kept messaging me. Do you know what he wanted? He wanted to know when he would get to fly his own Borg cube.
Really? Flying a cube? I’m not ready for that one. He kept interrupting the assimilation and I finally had to hit the pause button and turn it over to a senior drone so we could hash it out. I was so embarrassed. It was a mess!”
BM2- “That’s awful. I don’t know how you do it. Balance the Hive Mind with parenting? It would make me crazy.”
BM1- “Do either of your boys play “Assimilation Situation? My son won’t put it down. It’s all he does. And when I ask him to stop and engage, he rolls his eyes and makes an irrational comment.”
BQ- “It isn’t easy let me tell you. Don’t get me wrong, my son is cruel and ruthless when he wants to be. He just doesn’t quite get it yet. He has no understanding of his role in the collective.
There is no community with him. He is independent and free thinking. It makes my nanoprobes crawl to think about it sometimes. I have spent many a night running and rerunning simulations to see if I’m doing this parenting thing correctly.”
BM2- “I understand. My son is the same way. He can be belligerent and domineering and I think to myself, ‘He’s finally getting it’. Then, the next moment he’s laying on the couch playing video games. He’s in his own world.”
BQ- “There are times I’ve wanted to spike my regeneration alcove with a little plasma coolant, I won’t deny it. But I know he’s on the right track and I’m hoping this is just a phase all teenage Borg go through. I’ve heard female Borg teenagers are even worse. I can’t imagine.”
BM1- “I’ve heard stories too. Makes me glad I just have one.”
BM2-“We’re collective on that one, for sure…”
And the thread went on and on, but I’ll cut it off here for the sake of time. One take away for me as I think about this thread is I’m a lot less worried about being assimilated after reading this chat. I think the Borg Queen has enough going on that we’re safe for at least a few more years. This was a great relief. I’ll go ahead and close for now.
Live long and prosper,
Ernie